6 MONTHS TODAY

Do you want to know what I did after my dad died?  I looked up the Stages of Grief.  What is this natural order of feelings?  I wanted a list.  I wanted to know that I was "normal."  Do you know why it is hard to find a definite order of grieving list?  Because it doesn't exist.  Sad.  Check.  Devastated.  Check.  Numb.  Check.  Anger. Check.  Acceptance.  Uncheck.  It doesn't work this way.  I wish it did because then I would know what was next and when this roller coaster would be done its heartbreaking-wanting-it-to-stop-but-not-being-able-to-and-closing-my-eyes-and-wanting-this-nightmare-ride-to-be-over-and-it-doesn't-crap-ride... Sigh.  Do you want to know what I did for at least 2 weeks after he died?  I HAD to drink wine in order to sleep or I would think.  Sometimes going through the grief and the thinking is not beneficial.  So whoever says that drinking is not helpful...they are wrong.  It was helpful and I don't regret it.  I would take numbed, buzz feeling anyday over the pictures in my mind.  I left food cooking on the stove, I yelled at my children, I sobbed, I sat and stared, I felt like a different person.  I panicked.  I was lost.
So there is a new me.  A new me who now has reality and it sucks.  I lived in a bubble for 34 years of blissful nothing-can-happen-to-me-or-my-world and I enjoyed it.
There is no order of grief.  There really isn't.  I have started feeling better moving into our new house.  I went through the holidays and I was ok.  I enjoyed my children and enjoyed my life.  But it isn't 100% happy like I felt before.  It never will be again.  There will always be that spot that hurts and grieves and searches for that naive place I used to have but I will be happy.  I will laugh with my children.  I will be thankful and I will love. I do have many, many happy moments in my life.  Right now I am excited about decorating our bedroom into a room that we have waited for for 12 years.  I am living my life and I love my life.  Suddenly I don't feel ok and I am envisioning my dad walking out of his shed.  I am seeing him squeezing his hands because they are numb.  I am seeing him in his chair eating ice cream watching his show.  Or hearing his messages to me on the phone that were erased not too long before he died by Bell Canada and how I long to hear his voice. So there isn't a list.  I will feel ok and that everything is going to be ok and then it isn't.  One of my children mentions him and I turn and cry.  I smell him and I cry.  But I do know that I will continue to live my life, my wonderful life with all of the gifts that I have been given.
Dad, I will see you again.  I know you are around us and watching over us.  I know that you are ok.  I love you and you are still my best dad in the whole world.

I would like to redo this blog.  Re-design it.  Meh, it takes time.
As I sit here I hear the piano being lightly played by one of the kids.  Callum is eating an apple and dipping it in ketchup.  The other kids are watching a science show.  Frrreeeeezing outside.  Tonnes of snow.
What is Ron doing?  Well he has this week off so a pipe burst in our basement last night and he is cutting the wall away so we can replace things.  Isn't that fun?
We started up school again today.  After the holidays.  Wonderful.  I get a bunch of children whining that Oooooooh, we have to actually lift ourselves off of the couch, place ourselves at the table and THINK???  This goes by fairly quickly so that is good.
We are going to start going to a homeschool co-op here in Wheatley.  They will have a cooking class, woodworking, ASL (taught by yours truly) among some other classes.
Amelie is in Junior High on Monday nights.  Ricky is starting art classes on Wednesday evenings and Cohen has science class on Thursday.  What happened to our family?  What happened to the laid back philosophy?  I guess things change.  I want them to know the basics but have fun and keep our values as a family.
Psssst....we are looking into adoption this year.  Stay tuned for further updates. lol
I am going to pick another picture of my dad because well...I want to.  :)

They had a wonderful marriage.

Life

So life happened.

I thought I would update about our family.  We are doing well.  I haven't felt like writing this past year.  Life happened.  It tends to do that whether we want it to or not.
Schooling wise we are moving along.  We are sort of using a Charlotte Mason approach which is working out well.  I am enjoying having some kind of structure to our day even if it is loose.
We read.  We teach.  We live.
Live.  Such an interesting word.  Live.
This is our year in a nutshell.  My dad is gone.  Just like that.  I know he is close to us because we got a message from someone but yeah...he's gone.  Everything in my life is clouded by this.  If he could just come back life would be light.  Carefree.  I'll never have that again.
My brother got married.
My grandpa Dom died.
We sold our house and moved to a new town.
I went to school to learn ASL at the college.  Got an A.
I don't know what this new year has in store for us but hopefully it will be better than the last.
I would like to start writing again and focusing on our children now.