Monday, August 9, 2010

'Raw' from an unschooling ma

I bet you guys think I am an awesome mom. That I have the laundry finished and never yell at my children. I am sorry to disappoint you but that is not the case.
I was reading a blog the other day and she had shared some 'rawness' in her post. I thought about how I never share that side of me with anyone but my closest family and friends. I like to portray myself as the perfect parent while our days are not perfect.
When people read this I would like it to help them. I am human. You are human. We all have our secret little moments that we keep to ourselves. I am going to share a bit about me and how I feel. The Raw side of me.
I am a guilt parent. I read so many books about how to be the best parent I can be. I don't read the mainstream ones but the gentle parenting books. I love to read. The negative side of that is guilt. My guilt to not live up to the perfection I want. I yell. Sometimes for a whole hour I am in a foul mood and say mean things. Things like..."Only babies poop in their underwear!" That was my doozy today. :( When I get frustrated I have a hard time guarding what I say. Sure I have a sit down afterward with said child but it still makes me feel like a horrible parent and that I am damaging who they are. My worst comment came a few years ago when I hurt Ricky somehow. I don't remember what happened. Like I picked her up too roughly or something like that. She said, "You hurt me!" I then said back, "I'm glad I hurt you." Isn't that the worst? Of course instantly I apologize and sometimes have a few tears. It doesn't make it right though.
Sometimes I will sit for hours and read a book! If it is a good one I can totally tune my children out and read. I take care of them but the house falls apart. They may ask for something and get the response..."When this page is done." I have always wanted my children to know how important they are but sometimes I think I fail that by my actions.
I "cook" chicken nuggets and perogies at least once a week. Sandwiches maybe twice a week. I am not a home cooked meal kinda gal. I do want that though. I want to be that mom who has dinner cooking all day and placed on the table with the family all sitting together. Last wk I went for a bath and a book while my family ate. I needed a break when Ron woke up. I did order a good vegetarian slow cooker book that I am looking forward to. I see many more home cooked meals on the horizon.
I have doubts on occasion about unschooling. I don't doubt the philosophy. I doubt my laziness as a parent. Some days there isn't anything fun that we have done together. Doing art together, reading, singing... We are working on this. But I always seem so sure of myself and my parenting but I am not. I have doubts like the best of them.
On the flip side, I am always there for my children. I will never put them in a situation that they are not comfortable with. I am their rock. I cuddle/hug/kiss them endlessly and they know how much they are loved. I am very open with my feelings and they are open with theirs. We are a very close and attached family. I feed them nutritiously and teach them about God.
I know that my children are wonderful and beautiful children. They are amazing. I just need to start seeing that in myself more.
So there it is. Raw from an unschooling ma.


~Leslie said...

Neely, I have to say, right up front, that I think you're very brave to reveal these things about yourself. I have trouble with my words as well. Saying things in the middle of frustration that would never exit my mouth when I'm calm and in a good place emotionally. I've wondered, too, just how this affects my children--their spirits, how they see themselves, how they see me. I strive to have fewer of these outbursts and more of the meaningful, loving kind.

I think that most of us (mothers) want to give our children everything! But logistically that doesn't always work out. Since I've been cooking from scratch (more often than not) I'm finding that I don't have as much time to do the other things we enjoy. I'm learning that I can't do everything--even though I'd love to. So each day, we do what we can do, making sure we take time for just being together.

I can see that you care deeply for your children. It's shown so beautifully here, on your blog, in their faces in the photos. It's one of the reasons I was drawn to your blog.

Wishing you well and hoping that you, too, will have many more good times than not.

Much warmth, my friend!

Katie V. said...

Thank you so very much for sharing this post. As I read unschooling blogs and prepare to embark on that journey with my son, I often think, "am I cut out for this?" Everyone else seems to have it so together and I just wonder if I can keep up. The truth is that there are days when all I want to do is lay down for an extra couple of hours and sometime I am crabby and get frustrated way too easily. It makes it a little easier to know that there are other mothers out there who love their children completely, but sometimes feel like a less than stellar mom.

Neely said...

It is hard to put yourself out there for people to judge. Thank you for your responses. I am glad that you guys could relate. :)marrieds

Kelly said...

Thank you for sharing your "raw" self. I believe the greatest difficulty of parenting is recognition of a problem... however, most good mamas recognize the problems too well and live with much guilt. But, we are human, mistakes happen!!! So, be easy on yourself, work on the troubled spots, and pray for courage to move forward with the beautiful vision you have for your family! (And, I'm talking to myself, too!!)

Lauren said...

Thanks for sharing, Neely.

I came looking for you after seeing your comment on the Christian Unschooling site. Please try linking in again!