I bet you guys think I am an awesome mom. That I have the laundry finished and never yell at my children. I am sorry to disappoint you but that is not the case.
I was reading a blog the other day and she had shared some 'rawness' in her post. I thought about how I never share that side of me with anyone but my closest family and friends. I like to portray myself as the perfect parent while our days are not perfect.
When people read this I would like it to help them. I am human. You are human. We all have our secret little moments that we keep to ourselves. I am going to share a bit about me and how I feel. The Raw side of me.
I am a guilt parent. I read so many books about how to be the best parent I can be. I don't read the mainstream ones but the gentle parenting books. I love to read. The negative side of that is guilt. My guilt to not live up to the perfection I want. I yell. Sometimes for a whole hour I am in a foul mood and say mean things. Things like..."Only babies poop in their underwear!" That was my doozy today. :( When I get frustrated I have a hard time guarding what I say. Sure I have a sit down afterward with said child but it still makes me feel like a horrible parent and that I am damaging who they are. My worst comment came a few years ago when I hurt Ricky somehow. I don't remember what happened. Like I picked her up too roughly or something like that. She said, "You hurt me!" I then said back, "I'm glad I hurt you." Isn't that the worst? Of course instantly I apologize and sometimes have a few tears. It doesn't make it right though.
Sometimes I will sit for hours and read a book! If it is a good one I can totally tune my children out and read. I take care of them but the house falls apart. They may ask for something and get the response..."When this page is done." I have always wanted my children to know how important they are but sometimes I think I fail that by my actions.
I "cook" chicken nuggets and perogies at least once a week. Sandwiches maybe twice a week. I am not a home cooked meal kinda gal. I do want that though. I want to be that mom who has dinner cooking all day and placed on the table with the family all sitting together. Last wk I went for a bath and a book while my family ate. I needed a break when Ron woke up. I did order a good vegetarian slow cooker book that I am looking forward to. I see many more home cooked meals on the horizon.
I have doubts on occasion about unschooling. I don't doubt the philosophy. I doubt my laziness as a parent. Some days there isn't anything fun that we have done together. Doing art together, reading, singing... We are working on this. But I always seem so sure of myself and my parenting but I am not. I have doubts like the best of them.
On the flip side, I am always there for my children. I will never put them in a situation that they are not comfortable with. I am their rock. I cuddle/hug/kiss them endlessly and they know how much they are loved. I am very open with my feelings and they are open with theirs. We are a very close and attached family. I feed them nutritiously and teach them about God.
I know that my children are wonderful and beautiful children. They are amazing. I just need to start seeing that in myself more.
So there it is. Raw from an unschooling ma.